Dispute inevitable?: The influence of the parents-in-law relationship

“Your mother has time to spread again, just in a bad mood.” “And your dad’s jokes with his taste.”

The love for the Partner or to the partner includes their parents, not automatically.

Like: You get to the relationship without being asked supplied, regardless of whether you find them likeable or not.

My parents, your parents, their Occurrence and their peculiarities, the desires and expectations to each other – in a lot of relationships for explosive.

About a third of couples admit it conflicts with the parents-in-law, says Peter Kaiser, Professor of psychology at the University of Vechta.

He explores the dynamics in in-law relationships can certainly be challenging, because the reasons for their Actions and, therefore, for conflicts are the parties Involved often are not even aware of.

Relationship with unwritten rules and norms

“Your parents are already very much longer an important reference person, the Partner and his family,” explains Kaiser.

This relationship was very intense and associated with unwritten rules and norms that the members of the family identified strongly – often is not clear how deeply they are rooted in these traditions.

Behaviors you find completely, of course, are for the Partner may be used to, because he has experienced it in a quite different way.

Because the family members hug during the greeting, perhaps always, and not only Hanseatic reluctant to Hand range.

“Then the feeling to be rejected, although it is not meant to be so fast,” says psychologist Felicitas Heyne.

You will feel hurt – and the Partner has no understanding, because it knows no other way.

“Our families of origin shape us,” said Heyne. “We carry things with us that will be passed as the silver Cutlery.”

Even if there are good reasons for criticism, the case it is difficult, this is the Partner to admit: “One has the feeling that the Partner has the right to criticise things which struggles through self-effort.”

Similar roles are easier to compare

Especially mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are not always good to each other, observed Heyne. The family therapist from the rheinland-Pfalz, Annweiler, has examined this relationship for your book, ‘hatred, beloved mother-in-law’.

Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law would often fill similar roles, as mothers, as wives, in the household. Therefore, comparisons are easier than between mother-in-law and son – in-law and the differences faster.

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Since the mother-in-law comments can be fall, because the daughter-in-law works full-time and a plaster has been engaged woman. Or the daughter-in-law can’t believe that the parents of the partner, any lunch meat on the table.

“The fact that someone is doing things differently, is often interpreted as an attack on their own identity, their own Dignity,” says Peter Kaiser, the expert for in-law relationships. To go from a banal habit, an occasion for discord.

To say “the ‘This has nothing to do with me’, is a very important step. But that has to be learned,” says Kaiser. If the same conflicts are breaking out, it can also help to make the Trigger aware of the bring again and again to the palm.

“But it is only successful when it is internally quiet down,” advises Felicitas Heyne.

Better on the similarities, focus

To focus more on the similarities instead of the differences, is a method, with the help of Angela leier Eder has had good experiences.

For more than 30 years, she works as a family therapist in Sinzing near Regensburg, a rural Region, in the often several generations live under one roof or close together, with all the associated advantages and disadvantages.

So many grandparents help care for the grandchildren, a mix, however, might be even more in education – a classic conflict between the generations.

“It’s about finding the right Balance,” says leier and Eder, and sees the Older the responsibility. You should be aware of the boundaries and the privacy of the young couple, and learn how to deal with criticism without feeling it as a reproach or rejection.

The Give-and-Take can work, “if you can stand each other and each other’s understanding and appreciation brings.”

Emancipation from the family of origin is helpful

The better the couple’s relationship, this makes it even easier with some of the smaller and larger disruptive factors in family structure and a benevolent view on the whims of the parents and in-laws to keep parents.

This requires, however, that both have emancipated themselves sufficiently from their families of origin, “this place is for the way of life with a Partner,” says psychologist Peter Kaiser.

“No mother-in-law can make the daughter-in-law, life is hard, when the son sits up and says: “This is my wife, and I stand by it”, is also the experience of family therapist Felicitas Heyne.

Conversely, loyalty meant also, not always on the parents of the partner picking, but to work together to find a solution, if necessary with professional help, is Angela leier Eder to bear in mind.

Because the longer a conflict in front of schwele and lead to insults and injuries, the greater the risk that one of the two partners to withdraw be – “and such protracted conflicts are much more difficult to solve”.

Deutsche Presse-Agentur (dpa)

*The contribution of “dispute inevitable?: The influence of the parents-in-law relationship” is published by FitForFun. Contact with the executives here.